I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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