Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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