Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
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