my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
