took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
