while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
