At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
