you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Randomize
