I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
