Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
