I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
