It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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