my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
