my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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