You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
