Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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