I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
