i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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