My nipple is on Facebook.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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