Please, let me fuck your mom
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
