lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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