eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
