Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
