Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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