He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
