I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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