I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
