I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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