I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
