Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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