He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Still dying that you shit outside
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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