well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
