my phone needs a breathalizer
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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