I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
