I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
