i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
my being single is dangerous.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Randomize
