i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
even my farts smell like vagina
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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