shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
