I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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