between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
you never un-have a 4some
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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