if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
