i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
