the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you traded sex for a burrito?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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