Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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