Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
