I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
