we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
