I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
