he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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