Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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