I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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