Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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