I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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