All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
