I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
