Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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