As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize