Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
