I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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