Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
We smell like vodka and hangover
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