i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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