the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
