she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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