matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
...so i touched it.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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