Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Never underestimate the power of titties
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